In a world where raising even one child can feel like running a marathon with no finish line, the idea of having a big family seems almost mythical—like a nostalgic tale from the past. Between rising costs of living, work demands, and the pressures of modern parenting, most families today choose to keep things small. Two kids, maybe three, tops.
But here’s a curveball that flips conventional wisdom on its head: parents with four children report feeling less stressed than those with fewer kids. Yes, less.
Sound backward? It did to a lot of people—until the data came in.
📊 The Study That Turned Heads: Four Kids = More Chill?
Back in 2013, the TODAY show teamed up with parenting researchers to survey over 7,000 American mothers. What they found was unexpected. Mothers with three children reported the highest stress levels, while those with four or more actually felt more relaxed. The findings went viral, sparking conversations and even memes. People dubbed it “The Duggar Effect,” named after the large, famously fertile family from reality TV.
So what’s going on? Did moms of four just learn some secret meditation technique? Not quite.
👩⚕️ A Psychiatrist’s Take: Survival Mode Is Weirdly Liberating
Dr. Janet Taylor, a psychiatrist and mother of four herself, offered a simple explanation: “There’s just not enough space in your head.”
What she meant was this—once parents are outnumbered by their kids, they stop sweating the small stuff. Things like matching socks, Pinterest-worthy birthday parties, or checking if homework is written in perfect cursive start to fade from the priority list. It becomes more about getting through the day intact—and that can actually be freeing.
It’s survival mode. And oddly enough, that mental shift lowers stress.
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🎯 Perfectionism Is the Real Culprit
Let’s zoom in on the real villain in this parenting saga: the pressure to be perfect.
According to the same survey, 75% of mothers admitted they felt overwhelmed by the need to be flawless. That includes everything from packing organic, balanced school lunches to looking Instagram-ready during school pick-ups.
Even more telling, moms rated their stress levels at an average of 8.5 out of 10. That’s pretty much full-blown burnout.
The pressure isn’t just external—it’s internal, too. Many moms feel guilty for not meeting an impossible standard. Dr. Sarah Schoppe-Sullivan, a psychology professor at Ohio State University, explained that this drive for “intensive mothering” is a relatively new phenomenon.
🧠 What Is “Intensive Mothering”? And Why Is It Driving Moms Nuts?
This modern parenting style has three main pillars:
- Time-consuming: Moms feel they need to spend almost every waking minute engaging with their children.
- Emotionally consuming: They believe they must always be “on,” emotionally attuned, and available.
- Expert-guided: Parenting isn’t done by instinct anymore—it’s done by Google, parenting books, influencers, and endless articles.
Schoppe-Sullivan points out that this wasn’t always the norm. Back in the 1960s, mothers spent less than half as much time actively engaging with their kids as today’s moms do. Ironically, today’s parents are working more hours outside the home and parenting more intensively. No wonder burnout is rampant.
🔄 The Toxic Loop of Guilt, Stress, and Self-Doubt
Here’s where it gets ugly: the more moms try to be perfect, the more likely they are to fail (because perfection isn’t possible), and the more guilty and stressed they feel. This creates a loop that feeds on itself.
Schoppe-Sullivan wrote:
“In seeking perfection in parenting, parents are less likely to actually parent effectively. Worrying about what others think saps mothers’ confidence, making parenting less enjoyable and more stressful.”
When confidence goes down, so does a parent’s resilience. Minor challenges become major battles. The joy of parenting turns into a job filled with second-guessing and self-blame.
💼 Add to That: Work, Bills, and the Pressure to Look Good
As if the pressure to raise flawless children wasn’t enough, many moms are juggling full-time jobs, keeping a house semi-clean, staying in shape, and trying to stay emotionally available to everyone.
According to the same survey:
- 72% of moms worry about how stressed they are. Yes, they’re stressed about being stressed.
- 60% say they don’t have enough time in the day to get everything done.
- 90% feel pressure to stay fit and attractive.
The image of the “supermom” isn’t just unrealistic—it’s damaging.
Read more: Parents Deny It… But This Study Reveals Who Their Favorite Child Really Is
🧘 Why More Kids Can Mean More Freedom (Ironically)
It sounds counterintuitive, but having more kids can reduce stress because it forces parents to let go. Moms with four or more children no longer have the time or energy to chase perfection. The goal shifts from “doing everything right” to “doing what works.”
Here’s what that shift looks like:
- Instead of reading three bedtime stories, it’s “one book, group huddle, lights out.”
- Instead of carefully monitoring every snack, it’s “grab an apple or a banana, whichever is closer.”
- Instead of crafting a developmentally optimized daily schedule, it’s “you’re alive, clean-ish, and relatively happy—we’re winning.”
This mental downshift is healthy. By not overthinking every parenting decision, moms often become more present, more confident, and less anxious. That calm trickles down to the kids, too.
👨👩👧👦 Bigger Families Can Promote Resilience—For Everyone
Another unexpected benefit of larger families? The kids themselves.
With limited one-on-one time, kids in bigger families often:
- Learn to be more independent
- Build stronger sibling bonds
- Understand that they’re part of a team, not the center of the universe
These lessons promote resilience and social skills that helicopter parenting sometimes unintentionally stifles.
🔁 The Takeaway: Done Is Better Than Perfect
At the end of the day, parenting isn’t a performance—it’s a relationship. And relationships are messy, imperfect, and human.
What the science and the surveys seem to say is this: less pressure = better parenting. Whether you have one child or five, the key is to let go of impossible ideals and tune into what works for your unique family.
And for those with four kids? Maybe, just maybe, they’ve discovered that sweet spot where chaos reigns—but guilt doesn’t.
Read more: Experts Say This One Trait Is Crucial for a Long-Term Partner—But Most People Guess Wrong
🪴 Final Thought
Parenting will always come with a fair share of noise, mess, and uncertainty. But the truth is, it doesn’t require perfection—it just requires presence, patience, and a good sense of humor.
Because whether you’re wrangling one toddler or a troop of four, sometimes the best parenting move is to let go of the need to be perfect—and just get everyone through the day with love (and maybe snacks).
