Love, in its healthiest form, is often described as steady, supportive, and deeply grounding. It thrives on trust, respect, and the freedom for both people to be their authentic selves. But when love comes from someone with high levels of narcissistic traits, it rarely looks or feels this way. Instead, it tends to be thrilling at first, but over time, it often morphs into something destabilizing and confusing.
Narcissists aren’t incapable of forming bonds, but their approach to relationships often prioritizes their own ego over true connection. As psychologists point out, narcissism is generally characterized by patterns of grandiosity, entitlement, and a constant hunger for admiration. When these traits spill into romantic relationships, the word “love” takes on a very different meaning.
At the start, narcissists can be dazzling. They’re charming, charismatic, and sometimes even appear to be the ideal partner. Research has shown that they often make appealing partners in the short term because of their confidence and magnetic energy. But the longer the relationship continues, the more cracks begin to show. What once looked like fairy-tale passion often reveals itself as manipulation in disguise.
To better understand this, let’s explore three common ways narcissists tend to show their version of “love” — and why it often leaves their partners questioning what love should actually feel like.
1. Love-Bombing: The Fairytale Beginning That Isn’t What It Seems
The earliest stage of a relationship with a narcissist is often described as a whirlwind. From day one, the intensity feels almost cinematic. They might shower their partner with gifts, send endless affectionate messages, or declare their undying devotion far too soon. Psychologists call this love-bombing, and it’s one of the most recognizable signs of narcissistic attachment.
At first, it can feel exhilarating. Who wouldn’t be swept away by someone calling them their soulmate after just a couple of dates? The excitement is infectious. Compliments like, “I’ve never met anyone like you,” or “You’re absolutely perfect for me,” feel flattering and validating. The problem is that it’s happening at an unnatural pace.
Love-bombing is not an act of genuine intimacy. Instead, it’s a deliberate tactic designed to speed up the emotional bonding process. By overwhelming a partner with positive reinforcement, the narcissist creates an attachment that bypasses the slow, natural development most relationships require.
It’s important to understand that this display isn’t truly about the partner. It’s about the narcissist’s need to see themselves reflected in someone they’ve “chosen” as extraordinary. When they idealize their partner, they’re really idealizing themselves.
Unfortunately, the pedestal they place their partner on rarely lasts. Once the narcissist feels secure in the relationship — once they’ve “won” their prize — the intensity tends to fade. What was once constant flattery can quickly shift to criticism, indifference, or even cold withdrawal.
This emotional whiplash leaves many people confused, chasing the high of those early days, hoping the fairytale will return. But love-bombing isn’t meant to last; it’s meant to trap.
Read more: 13 Things Emotionally Intelligent Women Do That Most People Don’t, Say Psychologists
2. Possession and Control Disguised as Devotion
After the fireworks of love-bombing fade, many narcissists pivot to another strategy: control. But they rarely present it as control outright. Instead, it comes disguised as protectiveness, care, or devotion.
At first, it can look sweet — they want to know where their partner is “just to make sure they’re safe.” They want to spend all their time together “because no one else understands the relationship like they do.” They may even insist on choosing what their partner wears or deciding who they spend time with, all under the guise of “looking out” for them.
But make no mistake: this isn’t about care. It’s about ownership.
Narcissists often view partners as possessions rather than equals. A partner isn’t seen as an independent person but as an extension of the narcissist’s identity — a trophy that validates their superiority. Because of this, entitlement becomes a central theme. They believe that, since they “chose” their partner, they are owed loyalty, admiration, and compliance.
This entitlement can escalate quickly. What begins as seemingly innocent protectiveness can soon become controlling behavior. Over time, the partner may find themselves isolated from friends, discouraged from seeing family, or subtly manipulated into cutting ties with outside support systems. The narcissist frames outsiders as threats, insisting, “They just don’t understand us,” or “They’re jealous of what we have.”
Psychological studies confirm that both grandiose and vulnerable narcissists are prone to using emotional manipulation to maintain dominance in relationships. To the partner, this often feels like suffocating possessiveness masked as passion.
When a narcissist says, “I can’t stand the thought of losing you,” what they really mean is, “You’re mine, and I don’t plan on sharing you.” It’s not a fear of losing love — it’s a fear of losing control.
Read more: 15 Signs That You’re Always the Peacemaker in All Your Relationships
3. Conditional Love: Affection as a Transaction
Perhaps the most destabilizing form of narcissistic “love” is conditional affection. Unlike the steady warmth of genuine love, narcissistic affection often comes with strings attached.
This looks like affection and praise when the partner is meeting the narcissist’s needs — but coldness, withdrawal, or even punishment when they aren’t. For example, a narcissist may lavish compliments when their partner does something that boosts their ego but quickly grow distant or critical if their partner expresses independence or pushes back against them.
This push-and-pull creates a confusing cycle. Partners often find themselves trying harder and harder to regain the warmth that initially drew them in. They may believe that if they just behave differently, they’ll earn back the love they once received. In reality, the inconsistency is intentional — it keeps the partner dependent, always working for approval.
Psychologists often compare this cycle to intermittent reinforcement, a concept from behavioral psychology. Much like a slot machine that occasionally pays out, unpredictable affection can be more addictive than steady attention. The highs feel incredible, but the lows keep the partner hooked, always chasing the next moment of validation.
This dynamic can leave a person feeling as though they’re walking on eggshells. Love is used as leverage, a tool of control rather than a genuine expression of care. And over time, it chips away at self-esteem, convincing partners that love must always be earned rather than freely given.
Read more: 18 Psychological Reasons the Smartest People Always Have Pets
Why Narcissistic “Love” Isn’t Really Love
Narcissistic love can feel intoxicating at first, but it comes with a heavy cost. It’s built on manipulation, control, and conditions — not on the freedom, respect, and stability that define healthy relationships.
Real love doesn’t need to be chased or proven. It doesn’t demand obedience or strip away independence. Instead, it celebrates individuality, encourages growth, and allows both people to thrive.
Recognizing the patterns of narcissistic “love” is a crucial step in breaking free from its cycle. It’s easy to confuse intensity for intimacy, or control for devotion, especially when the relationship begins with such overwhelming passion. But healthy love should never make someone feel trapped, confused, or diminished.
The truth is simple: love should lift people up, not break them down.
Featured image: Freepik.
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