Disagreements are a normal part of any relationship, even the healthiest ones. What separates couples who grow closer from those who drift apart is not the presence of conflict, but how each partner handles it. Healthy disagreements can actually strengthen a relationship. They allow both people to express themselves, understand each other better, and sometimes find compromises. On the other hand, unhealthy conflict can leave partners feeling unheard, frustrated, and emotionally drained.
Therapists often say that observing how a couple argues can reveal a lot about the relationship itself. If arguments routinely involve disrespect, avoidance, or repeated negative patterns, it may be a sign that the relationship could use some attention. Here are ten common behaviors that therapists identify in couples who struggle to resolve conflicts in a constructive way.
1. They interrupt instead of listening
Interrupting is more than just a small annoyance. When one partner consistently cuts the other off, it sends a message that their thoughts and feelings are not valued. “Disrespectful interruptions prevent understanding,” explains Dr. Jenni Skyler, a licensed marriage and family therapist. In unhealthy relationships, interruptions happen out of impatience or frustration, rather than the desire to clarify or contribute. Over time, this pattern can make both partners feel ignored and lead to arguments escalating unnecessarily. Healthy communication requires allowing the other person to finish speaking before responding.
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2. They react impulsively rather than responding intentionally
Conflict can stir strong emotions, but unhealthy couples often respond immediately with whatever comes to mind rather than considering the consequences of their words or actions. Angela Caiazza, a licensed marriage and family therapist, notes that impulsive reactions can prolong fights and make solutions harder to reach. A hasty comment or abrupt gesture can trigger defensiveness in a partner, causing arguments to spiral. In contrast, purposeful responses—pausing, taking a breath, and reflecting on what needs to be communicated—tend to reduce tension and make resolutions more achievable.
3. They struggle to manage strong emotions
All disagreements involve emotion, but some people are unable to regulate how they feel during an argument. When partners allow anger, frustration, or anxiety to control their behavior, conflicts often become more about emotional release than problem-solving. Caiazza explains that this lack of emotional regulation can make conversations feel chaotic and even unsafe. Healthy couples, by comparison, are able to acknowledge their emotions without letting them take over, which makes the discussion more productive and respectful.
4. They raise their voices or use hostility
Yelling, snapping, or making spiteful remarks are common signs of unhealthy arguing. These behaviors are often a response to feeling unheard or frustrated, but they usually create more distance rather than connection. When a partner raises their voice, the other may feel attacked and respond defensively, which can escalate tension. Over time, frequent hostility can breed resentment and make even small disagreements feel threatening. Healthy couples avoid verbal aggression and instead focus on calmly expressing feelings and concerns.
5. They fail to truly listen
Listening is more than hearing words, it requires trying to understand what the other person is feeling and needing. Unhealthy couples often listen only to respond, rather than to comprehend. Dr. Skyler says this creates a situation where partners talk past each other, leaving issues unresolved. One partner may feel dismissed, while the other may feel frustrated that their perspective is ignored. Practicing active listening, asking clarifying questions, and showing empathy are ways to break this pattern.
6. They refuse to take responsibility
Taking accountability is crucial for resolving conflict. Couples who avoid acknowledging their own role in disagreements often engage in “stonewalling,” blame-shifting, or insisting that they are always right. Dr. Skyler explains that this “my way or the highway” approach damages trust and prevents growth. In unhealthy patterns, partners may repeat old grievances or insist that their partner change without examining their own behavior. Recognizing mistakes, apologizing when appropriate, and showing willingness to compromise are essential for a healthy conflict resolution.
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7. They leave fights unresolved
Sometimes disagreements end without anyone feeling satisfied. Unhealthy couples frequently leave issues hanging, either because the argument became too heated or because one person withdrew. According to therapists, unresolved fights can accumulate over time, creating a backlog of resentment. Partners may find themselves rehashing old issues or feeling emotional distance even during moments that should be intimate or joyful. Healthy couples strive to address concerns fully, even if resolution takes time and multiple conversations.
8. They avoid conflict altogether
Avoiding conflict is another common pattern in unhealthy relationships. At first glance, it may seem like avoiding arguments keeps peace, but it often leads to hidden tension. Caiazza warns that “refusing or avoiding conflict altogether” can set the stage for resentment to build silently. Unspoken issues can manifest later as irritability, sarcasm, or emotional withdrawal. Healthy couples understand that addressing disagreements constructively is necessary to prevent long-term dissatisfaction.
9. They repeat destructive patterns
Many unhealthy couples unconsciously mimic behaviors learned in childhood or from previous relationships. Dr. Skyler notes that repeating dysfunctional patterns without reflection can prevent couples from learning more effective ways to communicate. Arguments may follow the same script, with predictable triggers and predictable fallout. Breaking this cycle requires awareness, intentional practice, and sometimes professional guidance to replace old habits with healthier strategies.
10. They focus on winning instead of understanding
In unhealthy conflicts, the goal often becomes proving a point rather than finding a solution. One partner may try to dominate or “win” the argument, leaving the other feeling defeated or dismissed. This dynamic turns discussions into competitions rather than opportunities for connection. Healthy couples focus on understanding each other’s perspectives, seeking compromises, and working toward mutual satisfaction. Arguments are seen as tools for growth rather than contests of strength.
Recognizing Unhealthy Conflict
The effects of unhealthy arguments may not always appear in the moment. Often, it is only afterward that partners notice lingering resentment, frustration, or emotional distance. Patterns of repeated yelling, avoidance, or blame shifting indicate that conflict may be damaging the relationship over time. Reflecting on personal behavior, considering your partner’s perspective, and recognizing recurring patterns are key first steps to improving how disagreements are handled.
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Steps to Repair Conflict and Build Healthier Disagreements
Change does not happen overnight, but small, deliberate steps can improve how couples navigate disagreements.
One important step is taking personal inventory. Each partner should examine their emotional triggers, communication habits, and past behaviors that might contribute to conflict. Understanding your own role in disagreements lays the foundation for healthier interactions.
Another useful strategy is using creative outlets to express emotions. Shared activities such as writing, art, or discussing stories from books or movies can help partners articulate feelings they might struggle to verbalize. This approach slows down the emotional intensity and creates a space for reflection, empathy, and understanding.
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