The word “gaslighting” seems to be everywhere these days, from TikTok clips to Instagram reels. It has become part of everyday conversation, yet many people still misunderstand what it really means. At its core, gaslighting is a type of emotional manipulation designed to make someone question their own thoughts, feelings, or memories. It can appear as denying facts, minimizing feelings, or twisting events until the other person feels confused, doubting themselves, or even overly sensitive.
Dr. Stefanie Mazer, a psychologist based in Florida, explains that gaslighting can be deeply harmful. “It can create long-term emotional effects, including anxiety, self-doubt, and difficulty trusting oneself,” she says. Despite the term’s popularity—Merriam-Webster even named it Word of the Year in 2022—many people who gaslight aren’t aware that they are doing it.
“This behavior often stems from patterns learned during childhood or past relationships, so it can feel normal,” Dr. Mazer notes. “People may think of it as defending themselves, not manipulating someone else.”
Over time, these behaviors can become automatic, almost like habits. Recognizing common phrases that gaslighters use can help you spot the behavior and protect yourself. Here are ten phrases that people often use when gaslighting, sometimes without even realizing it.
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1. “You’re overreacting.”
This phrase is perhaps the most familiar example of gaslighting. On the surface, it may seem harmless, but it actually dismisses someone’s emotional response rather than engaging with it. People often use this phrase because strong emotions make them uncomfortable, or because they want to avoid responsibility for their actions.
Dr. Mazer explains that saying “you’re overreacting” can make the other person feel ashamed for feeling anything at all. Over time, repeated exposure to this line can make someone question whether their emotional reactions are valid, even in situations where they are perfectly reasonable.
2. “That’s not what happened.”
This statement challenges someone’s memory or perception directly. While it may seem like a casual disagreement about facts, when repeated, it can erode confidence in one’s own memory. People often say this because their version of events feels more accurate to them.
Hearing this line frequently can make someone doubt themselves, wonder if they misremembered events, or feel like they are imagining conflicts that aren’t real. In essence, it undermines trust in personal perception and creates self-doubt.
3. “You’re too sensitive.”
When someone uses this phrase, they are shifting the focus from their behavior to the other person’s character traits. It implies that the problem lies with the person reacting rather than the situation itself.
Dr. Mazer points out that people often say “you’re too sensitive” reflexively, especially when they don’t want to reflect on the impact of their words. Over time, the listener may internalize this idea, believing that their emotions are exaggerated or unreasonable.
4. “I was just joking.”
Humor can sometimes be a tool for gaslighting. Even when something isn’t actually meant as a joke, people often use this phrase to avoid taking responsibility for hurtful comments.
“This phrase can make someone feel silly or guilty for expressing hurt feelings,” Dr. Mazer explains. “The gaslighter may genuinely believe that claiming it was a joke excuses the impact, even though it clearly affected the other person.” Over time, this can create a pattern where the person on the receiving end second-guesses their reactions to even minor remarks.
5. “You’re imagining things.”
This phrase is the epitome of gaslighting. It tells someone that their perception of reality isn’t trustworthy. When someone says, “you’re imagining things,” they’re not just denying a situation—they’re actively trying to make the other person question their instincts and intuition.
Repeatedly hearing this can lead to significant self-doubt, where a person starts questioning their own memory, judgment, and even sanity. It’s a subtle but powerful form of manipulation.
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6. “Why do you always make everything a big deal?”
This line minimizes the other person’s concerns and emotions. People often use it when they feel emotionally overwhelmed or tired of conflict. By framing concerns as “excessive,” the gaslighter implies that the other person is being unreasonable or burdensome.
Dr. Mazer notes that this phrase can make the listener hesitate to express legitimate concerns in the future. It sends a message that their feelings are inconvenient rather than valid, which can lead to long-term self-censorship and internalized guilt.
7. “You’re taking this the wrong way.”
Rather than asking for clarification, this phrase shifts responsibility onto the other person’s interpretation. It communicates that the listener is the problem for misunderstanding rather than addressing the actual behavior.
This type of statement subtly teaches people not to trust their own reactions. It can create a sense of perpetual uncertainty, where the listener constantly questions whether they are misinterpreting events or feelings.
8. “I don’t know why you’re so upset.”
While this line may sound innocent, it often avoids acknowledging the gaslighter’s role in the conflict. It implies confusion while sidestepping responsibility.
According to Dr. Mazer, this phrase leaves the other person feeling unseen and invalidated. It’s a quiet way of saying, “Your feelings aren’t important enough to discuss,” which can compound frustration and emotional exhaustion over time.
9. “I guess I’m just the bad guy then.”
This phrase flips the situation, turning the listener into the comforter rather than the person addressing the issue. It creates guilt rather than accountability, pressuring the other person to soothe the gaslighter instead of holding them responsible.
Dr. Mazer explains that this is a common tactic when someone feels criticized but doesn’t know how to respond maturely. It distracts from the original problem and manipulates the dynamic of the conversation.
10. “You’re remembering it wrong.”
Similar to “that’s not what happened,” this phrase directly challenges the other person’s memory. It subtly communicates that their perception of reality is flawed. Over time, repeated exposure to this phrase can erode confidence and make the listener hesitant to trust their own thoughts or recollections.
This tactic reinforces self-doubt, which is exactly what gaslighting aims to create. People often don’t even realize they’re doing it, but the effects accumulate quietly and powerfully.
How to Protect Yourself From Gaslighting
Recognizing gaslighting is just the first step. Knowing how to respond can help maintain your emotional well-being and clarity.
Trust Your Own Experience and Keep Records
Gaslighters thrive when you begin to believe their version of reality over your own. Writing down events and how they made you feel can help ground you. These notes aren’t for proving anything to the other person—they are reminders that your experiences and emotions are valid.
Set Clear Boundaries
Sometimes the healthiest option is to disengage from a conversation that becomes dismissive or condescending. Setting boundaries isn’t about “winning” an argument, it’s about protecting your mental and emotional energy. You can calmly say, “I’m open to talking when we can both be respectful,” and step away.
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Seek Support From Trusted People
Gaslighting can be exhausting and isolating. Discussing the situation with friends, family, or a therapist can provide reassurance and perspective. External validation helps confirm that your feelings are reasonable and prevents the gaslighter from creating persistent doubt.
Recognizing these ten common phrases is a critical step in understanding gaslighting. Awareness allows you to trust your emotions, set healthy boundaries, and maintain clarity in your relationships. By observing patterns in communication and responding thoughtfully, you can protect yourself from emotional manipulation and preserve your sense of reality.
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