Empathy is the invisible glue that holds human connection together. It’s what allows us to feel with someone else—not just for them, but alongside them. It’s what makes a friend sit next to you during a meltdown instead of offering “quick fixes.” It’s what keeps us human.
But not everyone is fluent in empathy. In fact, some people go through life speaking an entirely different emotional language. You’ll hear it in their tone, see it in their behavior, and—most obviously—catch it in the things they say.
Here are 10 common phrases that people often use when they’re running low on empathy, along with the deeper emotional currents hiding beneath those words.
1. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Let’s be real—this is the gold standard of non-apology apologies. It’s the equivalent of shrugging while handing someone a soggy tissue and walking away.
Rather than owning up to their role in causing hurt, people who say this phrase tend to shift the blame onto the other person’s emotions. It’s subtle, but the subtext is loud: “Your reaction is the issue, not what I did.”
❝ Empathy in action: ❞
Instead of brushing feelings aside, a more empathetic approach might be, “I didn’t realize that affected you so deeply. I want to understand more.”
2. “You’re overreacting.”
This one stings because it’s a fast-track to emotional invalidation. It suggests that whatever you’re feeling isn’t real, or worse, is exaggerated and irrational.
People who struggle with empathy often can’t—or won’t—grasp that someone else might experience the world differently than they do. Instead of trying to understand why someone feels a certain way, they just call it “too much.”
This phrase tends to be a shutdown mechanism, especially during conflict. Instead of leaning in, the speaker checks out emotionally—and takes your dignity with them.
Read more: Avoid Saying These 15 Things To Your Adult Children
🧠 Brainy backup:
Research from social psychologist Sara Konrath suggests that empathy has two key ingredients: emotional empathy (feeling what others feel) and cognitive empathy (understanding what others feel). If someone lacks both? They’re more likely to dismiss your emotions as irrational.
3. “That’s not my problem.”
This is a verbal door slam.
When someone says this, what they really mean is: “I don’t care enough to get involved.” It’s not about boundaries (which are healthy), but about a refusal to connect or show concern.
Empathy doesn’t require us to solve every problem. But it does ask us to care. Even a simple, “That sounds tough—want to talk about it?” would show a willingness to support. People who default to “not my problem” are usually more invested in their own comfort than the discomfort of others.
4. “Just get over it.”
This phrase often comes from people who feel uncomfortable around vulnerability. Instead of sitting with someone’s pain, they’d rather bulldoze through it and pretend it’s not there.
But pain doesn’t disappear because someone says it should. Healing isn’t linear. Grief, heartbreak, embarrassment—they need time and empathy, not a dismissive one-liner.
💬 Real empathy sounds more like:
“Take all the time you need. I’m here if you want to talk.”
5. “You get what you deserve.”
Ouch. This is where empathy not only exits the room—it slams the door on the way out.
This phrase implies that someone’s suffering is their own fault, and worse—that they deserve it. It’s an emotionally brutal response, often used to deflect responsibility, avoid compassion, or even exact a little emotional revenge.
In truth, life throws curveballs at everyone—regardless of how “deserving” they are. Empathy means recognizing that people are doing the best they can, even if we don’t understand their choices.
6. “You wouldn’t understand.”
This one is a paradox.
A person who lacks empathy assumes others could never understand their experience, while simultaneously refusing to understand anyone else’s. It’s a form of emotional gatekeeping.
By saying “You wouldn’t understand,” they avoid vulnerability. They shut out potential support. It’s not that others can’t understand—it’s that the speaker doesn’t want to let them try.
🪞Self-centered much?
Relationship coach Mitzi Bockmann notes that unempathetic people often prioritize themselves to the point of emotional isolation. They believe their experiences are uniquely complex—unreachable by mere mortals.
7. “It’s not my fault.”
People with low empathy often refuse to take responsibility—even when it’s glaringly obvious that their actions contributed to a problem.
This phrase is a go-to defense mechanism. It’s meant to deflect blame and protect ego, even if it leaves others feeling unheard or gaslighted.
When empathy is missing, so is accountability. And without accountability, relationships become one-sided.
🌀 Pattern alert:
These folks might also see themselves as victims in every situation. Everyone’s out to get them. The world is unfair. But they never seem to ask, “Could I have done something differently?”
Read more: 14 Graceful Habits That Come Naturally to Genuinely Classy People
8. “It’s not that bad.”
When someone is venting, they’re not always looking for solutions. More often, they just want someone to validate what they’re feeling.
Telling them, “It’s not that bad,” skips over that entirely. It suggests their feelings are unwarranted, exaggerated, or even annoying. It’s a polite way of saying, “Please stop talking about this.”
Empathetic listening means holding space. It means saying, “Wow, that does sound hard. Want to tell me more?”—not minimizing someone’s struggle so you can avoid discomfort.
9. “I’d never do that.”
This phrase often comes with a moral pedestal and a side of judgment.
When someone says, “I’d never do that,” they’re not trying to understand your choices. They’re using comparison to elevate themselves. It’s an emotionally distant stance, one that keeps them feeling safe—but it also keeps them disconnected.
Empathy is about bridging differences, not highlighting them. Instead of saying “I’d never,” an empathetic person might say, “I can’t imagine what that must have been like.”
10. “That’s just who I am.”
This is the ultimate empathy shutdown.
While self-awareness is a good thing, this phrase usually isn’t about awareness—it’s about resistance. It’s an excuse to avoid growth and avoid looking at how their actions might hurt others.
True empathy involves a willingness to evolve. It asks, “How can I show up better next time?” Saying “that’s just who I am” is like deciding the user manual of your personality is set in stone—and refusing to add any updates.
🧠 Bonus Insight: Why Does Empathy Matter So Much?
Empathy isn’t just about being “nice.” It plays a massive role in our ability to build trust, solve conflict, and keep relationships strong. It leads to more meaningful friendships, stronger families, better workplaces, and communities that actually care for one another.
Studies have found that people who score high on empathy are more likely to volunteer, help strangers, and even engage in activism. In other words: empathy turns into action.
But when empathy is absent? People become emotionally isolated, dismissive, or even cruel—often without realizing the long-term damage they’re doing to others and themselves.
Read more: 15 Signs You’re Being Way Too Polite for Your Own Good
✨ Final Thoughts
We’ve all slipped up and said something unempathetic—it’s part of being human. The difference lies in our willingness to reflect, apologize, and do better next time.
Empathy isn’t something you’re born with or without. It’s a skill. One that gets sharper every time you choose to listen instead of dismiss… to hold space instead of rush… to relate instead of retreat.
So next time you hear one of these phrases—whether from someone else or yourself—pause. Reflect. And ask: What would empathy say instead?
