If you’ve ever suspected your parents liked your sibling just a little bit more—or if you’ve been the parent nervously wondering whether your kids are clocking how you dish out attention—well, science has officially entered the chat. A new study suggests that yes, parents do sometimes show favoritism. And no, it’s not always as subtle as we’d like to think.
Let’s break it down in a way that makes sense for anyone who’s ever dodged a flying Nerf dart in their living room.
Snowballs, Siblings, and Suspicions
Picture this: it’s a snowy day, and two siblings are outside joyfully hurling slushy projectiles at each other’s heads. Screams of laughter are quickly followed by shrieks of “No fair!” Meanwhile, a parent stands nearby, offering vague guidance like “Be gentle!” while inwardly praying no one gets whacked in the eye.
It’s all fun and games until one child stomps over and demands justice. “Why do you always tell me to stop, but say nothing when he hits me?” It’s a question parents know all too well—the classic accusation of playing favorites.
But here’s the kicker: both kids believe they’re the ones being unfairly treated. One thinks Mom always defends the other; the other is convinced the same. This mutual victimhood is more common than you’d think.
So… Do Parents Actually Favor One Child?
According to researchers from Brigham Young University and Western University, yes—parents often do treat kids differently. Their study pulled from over 30 research papers and loads of family data to analyze what’s called parental differential treatment. That’s a fancy term for how parents might dole out time, affection, resources, or freedoms unequally between siblings.
And as it turns out, these patterns aren’t just one-offs. Across many families, certain trends show up again and again.
Read more: 17 Signs That You Had Truly Great Parents, Backed by Psychology
Who Gets the Gold Star?
Let’s look at who tends to end up in the parental good graces:
- Daughters often come out on top in terms of attention and care. Both moms and dads show a subtle bias toward their girls.
- Well-behaved kids—especially those who are agreeable or conscientious—also tend to win more praise, freedom, and positive attention.
- Firstborns get the benefit of being older (and therefore more “capable”), and this often results in them enjoying more autonomy. Think: staying up later, getting the first pick of chores, or being trusted to babysit.
Even as kids grow up, these dynamics don’t just vanish. Firstborns often continue to be trusted more. And girls are still seen as the “easier” ones, at least behavior-wise. That might be one reason why daughters edge out sons when it comes to parental preference.
The Problem With Playing Favorites
Now, before anyone starts tallying how many times Mom said “good job” to your sibling versus you—let’s talk impact.
According to the research, being the “favorite” can come with some serious perks. These children tend to have:
- Better mental health
- Higher academic performance
- Stronger family bonds
- Lower risk of getting into trouble
- Less likelihood of using substances
But for the kid who feels less favored? The consequences can be just as real, only flipped. These kids may struggle more emotionally, academically, and behaviorally. In extreme cases, even the “golden child” can suffer—especially if the favoritism is over the top and comes with too much pressure.
Why Does Favoritism Happen?
It’s not always intentional, and it’s not always about gender or birth order. Sometimes, it’s just about temperament.
Dr. Blaise Aguirre, a Harvard psychiatrist, points out that we naturally feel closer to people who are like us. So if a parent is calm and introspective, they might struggle to relate to a super energetic, emotional child—and vice versa. That can create a sense of distance, even if no one means for it to happen.
Plus, as Aguirre reminds us, parenting evolves. The version of you that raised the first child might be very different from the one raising your second or third. Priorities shift, energy changes, and so do relationships.
The Memory Bias: Why We Remember the “Bad Stuff”
Here’s another twist: humans are wired to remember rejection more than praise. So even if praise and criticism are split evenly, the criticism hits harder—and sticks longer.
And when we see a sibling getting praised? That moment tends to shine like a spotlight, even if we don’t notice when they’re being scolded. It’s not entirely rational, but it’s human.
How to Handle the “You Love Them More!” Conversation
So what should a parent do when one child claims you’re playing favorites?
Instead of dismissing the concern, Aguirre recommends meeting it with curiosity and care. Try saying, “That’s not how it feels to me, but I can see it feels that way to you. Can you tell me what you’ve noticed?”
This helps the child explore their feelings, name their experience, and feel heard. Often, that alone can cool the sting of perceived favoritism.
Encouraging empathy also goes a long way. You might ask your child to consider what things look like from a sibling’s point of view—or gently explain that everyone has different needs at different times.
And most importantly, let them know you love them for exactly who they are—not how neat their handwriting is or how fast they do homework.
A Sweet Trick to Level the Playing Field
Aguirre shared a charming memory of his mother, who had eight kids and knew favoritism could stir drama. Before she passed, she called each child in one by one and told them privately, “You’re my favorite.” Later, they compared notes and realized she’d said the same thing to all of them.
Clever? Absolutely. But more than that, it was a way of making each child feel uniquely loved. And at the end of the day, that’s really the goal.
Read more: You May Have Inherited Trauma From Your Parents And Grandparents
Bottom Line
Yes, favoritism exists—and it can shape how kids feel about themselves and each other. But it doesn’t have to be a parenting catastrophe. The secret lies in being aware of it, listening without judgment, and reassuring your children that love isn’t something you measure with a scoreboard.
So the next time your kid storms in yelling about unfair snowball diplomacy, take a deep breath, crouch to their level, and start a real conversation. Chances are, they’re not just asking for fairness—they’re asking to feel seen.
