The word gaslighting has taken on a life of its own in recent years. Scroll through social media, and you’ll find it used to describe everything from bad breakups to simple disagreements. The term has become so common that it’s often thrown around loosely, sometimes in situations that don’t really qualify.
This confusion makes sense—gaslighting is one of those psychological terms that sounds dramatic and intense, so people often apply it to moments that feel manipulative or hurtful. But psychologists say that while gaslighting is a serious and real form of emotional abuse, not every uncomfortable interaction falls into that category.
Understanding what isn’t gaslighting can be just as important as knowing what is. By recognizing the difference, people can navigate conflict more clearly and protect themselves from true manipulation when it does occur.
So, what exactly counts as gaslighting—and what are some common behaviors people mistakenly label as such?
What Exactly Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a deliberate form of psychological manipulation that makes a person question their own version of reality. Over time, it can erode someone’s sense of self-trust and emotional stability.
“It’s a psychological tactic where one’s perception, memory, or sense of truth is intentionally challenged to make them feel confused or insecure,” explains Dr. Sakshi Kapur, a psychologist at Parkview Health in Indiana.
The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband manipulates his wife into believing she’s losing her sanity by dimming the gas lights in their home and then denying it. Today, the word is used to describe any pattern of deception where someone tries to make another doubt what they know to be true.
Gaslighting can appear in romantic relationships, families, workplaces, friendships, or even political discussions. It doesn’t discriminate by setting—it can happen anywhere there’s an imbalance of power or trust.
Read more: 16 Ridiculous Things People Say When They’d Rather Sound Smart Than Be Honest
Typical gaslighting phrases include:
- “You’re imagining things.”
- “That never happened.”
- “You’re overreacting.”
- “You always make things about yourself.”
These statements, when used consistently and with intent, can make a person second-guess their emotions, memories, and even their sanity.
When It’s Not Gaslighting
Because the term is so emotionally charged, people sometimes use “gaslighting” to describe any kind of disagreement or invalidation. But not every argument, defensiveness, or misunderstanding is manipulation.
“True gaslighting involves intent—it’s not accidental,” says Dr. Shereen Mohsen, a clinical psychologist based in San Jose, California. “It’s about someone purposefully making you doubt yourself. Not all hurtful behavior meets that definition.”
That means you can experience poor communication, insensitivity, or even emotional immaturity without being gaslit. These experiences may still hurt deeply, but labeling them correctly can help you deal with them more effectively.
Below are eight situations psychologists say people often mistake for gaslighting—but that actually stem from normal human conflict or emotional behavior.
1. Honest Memory Differences
Human memory isn’t a perfect recording—it’s more like a collage of impressions shaped by emotion, attention, and bias. Two people can recall the same event differently without either person lying.
For example, one person might remember an argument being calm, while the other remembers it as heated. “That doesn’t automatically mean one of you is manipulating the other,” says Dr. Mohsen. “It just means your brains processed it differently.”
Research on memory shows that our recollections can shift depending on stress, emotional involvement, or even how much sleep we had. This means someone’s differing memory isn’t necessarily an attempt to rewrite history—it’s just a reflection of how subjective memory can be.
In short, different recollections aren’t gaslighting—they’re simply human.
2. Having Different Perspectives
Sometimes, a disagreement can feel like gaslighting, especially when emotions run high. But having a different opinion or perception isn’t manipulation—it’s individuality.
Let’s say you felt ignored at a party, but your friend insists they were just busy chatting with others. You might feel dismissed, but that’s not gaslighting—it’s two people interpreting the same moment through different emotional lenses.
“They may not be validating your feelings in the way you’d like,” Dr. Mohsen explains, “but disagreement alone doesn’t mean they’re trying to make you feel crazy.”
Healthy relationships include room for different viewpoints. Gaslighting, on the other hand, erases those differences intentionally to maintain control.
3. Getting Defensive Under Stress
We’ve all been there—snapping back during a heated moment, saying something we regret, or denying we said something out of embarrassment. These reactions can be clumsy and hurtful, but they’re often rooted in stress, not manipulation.
“Someone might say, ‘I never meant that,’ not because they want to rewrite the past but because they’re protecting themselves from shame,” explains Dr. Benjamin Bernstein, a clinical psychologist at Silver Hill Hospital.
Defensiveness is a reflex when people feel attacked or misunderstood. While it’s not a healthy communication pattern, it’s not gaslighting unless it’s part of a larger, intentional effort to distort your perception of reality.
4. Poor Communication Skills
Not everyone has the tools to express themselves clearly. Some people avoid confrontation altogether, while others shut down emotionally when things get tense.
“A person who avoids conflict, minimizes issues, or withdraws emotionally isn’t gaslighting if they’re not trying to make you doubt your reality,” says Dr. Kapur. “They might simply lack communication skills or emotional awareness.”
In other words, emotional immaturity or avoidance can look like manipulation, but often it’s just someone struggling to communicate or regulate their emotions.
You can still hold that person accountable for how their behavior affects you—but it’s not accurate to label it as gaslighting unless there’s a pattern of deliberate deceit.
Read more: Psychologists Reveal 16 Subtle Indicators Someone’s Quiet-Quitting a Relationship
5. Regular Disagreements
Arguments are part of being human. People clash over values, perceptions, and interpretations all the time. But just because someone disagrees with your version of events doesn’t mean they’re gaslighting you.
“Differentiating between miscommunication and manipulation is critical,” says Dr. Bernstein. “Overusing the term ‘gaslighting’ can dilute its meaning and make it harder for people who are genuinely being manipulated to be believed.”
Healthy disagreements involve two people expressing their sides and trying to find understanding. Gaslighting, in contrast, is when one person intentionally distorts facts or denies your experiences to control you.
6. Awkward or Incomplete Apologies
When someone apologizes poorly—by saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” or brushing off an issue—it can feel infuriating. But a bad apology isn’t automatically gaslighting.
“If there’s no attempt to deny your reality or reframe what happened, then it’s not gaslighting,” says Dr. Kapur. “It may just be someone who’s uncomfortable with vulnerability or accountability.”
In many cases, people don’t know how to apologize properly because they associate it with guilt or weakness. So, while a half-hearted apology might sting, it doesn’t necessarily involve manipulation—it just shows emotional avoidance or a lack of self-awareness.
7. Different Interpretations of the Same Event
Two people can experience the same event and walk away with completely different interpretations. One might see a disagreement as productive, while the other finds it emotionally exhausting.
“Interpretations vary depending on personality and emotional focus,” says Dr. Bernstein. “One person might emphasize positives, another might fixate on the negatives. That difference isn’t necessarily a power play.”
For example, your partner might say, “I thought we had a good conversation,” while you feel they ignored your feelings. Neither of you is lying—you’re just focusing on different emotional truths.
8. Emotional Reactivity or Overwhelm
Strong emotions can blur communication. Someone who cries, yells, or shuts down during a discussion isn’t necessarily trying to manipulate you—they might just be emotionally flooded.
When people feel overwhelmed, their brains go into self-protection mode. This can lead to outbursts, withdrawal, or irrational comments. While these reactions can make conversations chaotic, they’re not calculated acts of deception.
Gaslighting, by contrast, tends to be calm and methodical. The manipulator often keeps their cool to make the other person look unstable. So, if someone’s emotions spill over during conflict, it’s far more likely to be stress than strategy.
Read more: 12 Things That Instantly Annoy People Who Actually Work Hard for Their Money
Why Mislabeling Gaslighting Matters
It’s easy to see why people overuse the term. Gaslighting captures that awful feeling of not being believed or having your emotions dismissed. But when everything gets called gaslighting, the word loses its meaning—and that can make it harder for true victims to be recognized.
Understanding the difference between harmful communication and psychological manipulation helps people respond more effectively. If someone’s simply defensive or unaware, that might call for clearer boundaries or better communication. If they’re truly gaslighting, though, it may require distance, therapy, or professional support.
Either way, having the right label helps you choose the right solution.
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