When you picture the perfect long-term partner, what qualities come to mind first? Kindness? Loyalty? Maybe a shared love of travel, books, or pizza?
According to two top mental health experts, we’re all getting it wrong.
On an episode of the SOLVED podcast, hosted by bestselling author Mark Manson (yes, the “Subtle Art” guy), psychotherapist and writer Lori Gottlieb dropped a truth bomb that might surprise you: the one trait that actually predicts relationship success isn’t romance, passion, or even compatibility.
It’s flexibility.
Wait—Flexibility? Like, Yoga?
Not exactly. Gottlieb isn’t talking about who can hold a plank the longest. She’s talking about emotional flexibility—being adaptable, open to compromise, and willing to bend a little (without breaking) when life throws relationship curveballs.
“The number one quality that predicts whether someone will be a good partner is flexibility,” she said during the podcast. “You don’t want to be with someone who’s rigid.”
And here’s where it gets even more interesting: she argues that some of today’s popular mental health advice might be steering us in the opposite direction.
“There’s so much messaging about having strong boundaries and being ultra-independent,” she explained. “But if you’re too rigid, it’s hard to connect with others in a meaningful way.”
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Why “The Friction Is the Point”
Mark Manson agreed. He believes modern self-help trends often push people to avoid conflict at all costs. But according to him, a little tension is actually good for relationships.
He quoted writer Oliver Burkeman: “The friction is the point.”
In other words, it’s not just about putting up with each other’s weird quirks and annoying habits—it’s those imperfections that often lead to the deepest kind of intimacy. Shared growth happens in the mess, not in the perfectly filtered highlight reels.
Manson also brought up psychologist Robert Glover, who said something that might just shift how you view love entirely: “We fall in love with people’s rough edges.”
Meaning, it’s not about finding a flawless human being (spoiler: they don’t exist). It’s about choosing someone whose flaws you can live with—and maybe even love.
Internet Reactions: “It All Makes Sense Now”
Unsurprisingly, the podcast struck a chord. Listeners flooded social media with their own experiences, both good and bad.
One person wrote, “The internet is obsessed with boundaries. But real relationships aren’t about putting yourself first all the time.”
Another added, “My ex was the most inflexible person I’ve ever met. Now I get why it didn’t work.”
But not everyone agreed that more flexibility is always better. Some shared that being too accommodating with the wrong person backfired. One commenter wrote, “People who shout about boundaries nonstop are often the ones who spent years over-giving to someone who never respected them.”
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So the point wasn’t to ditch boundaries altogether. It was to find a balance—between self-respect and connection, between holding your line and being willing to shift when love calls for it.
As one listener neatly summed it up: “We were raised by parents who didn’t even know what a boundary was. Now we’re all about boundaries—maybe too much. Hopefully, the next generation gets it just right.”
Another put it more poetically: “Boundaries don’t have to mean being rigid. There’s beauty in growth through friction.”
The Science Behind Why Flexibility Matters in Love
Turns out, flexibility isn’t just feel-good advice from therapists or podcast hosts—it’s backed by science.
A research team led by psychologist Dr. Thomas O. Craney dove into something called psychological flexibility, which, despite sounding like a term you’d hear in a therapist’s office covered in calming neutrals, is actually pretty straightforward.
At its core, psychological flexibility means being able to adapt when things get tricky. It’s the ability to shift your mindset when your partner’s mood changes, to stay emotionally present even during tense conversations, and to keep your cool when life throws a flaming frisbee into your dinner plans.
In their study, Craney’s team found that couples who scored high in this type of flexibility were consistently better at navigating stress, handling conflict, and maintaining satisfaction in their relationships over time. These weren’t just couples who talked about communication—they actually did it. When disagreements popped up (and they always do), these partners didn’t just go into shutdown mode or explode like microwaved leftovers. They adjusted. They pivoted. They worked through it like a team running a three-legged race in a windstorm.
In everyday terms? When the relationship hits a pothole, rigid couples get a flat tire and start arguing about the map. Flexible couples just swerve a little and keep driving.
And this idea folds neatly into what Lori Gottlieb and Mark Manson discussed on the SOLVED podcast. Gottlieb emphasized that rigidity—the kind encouraged by the “I’ve got boundaries, don’t touch me” corner of the internet—can actually undermine connection. What Craney’s research shows is that without psychological flexibility, couples tend to fall apart when life doesn’t stick to the script.
Think about it. Life’s messy. Jobs change. Kids happen. People grow and stretch and sometimes wake up one day with a weird obsession with pottery. The couples who survive—and even thrive—are the ones who don’t see these changes as threats, but as opportunities to grow together.
They don’t see friction as failure. They see it as fertilizer—messy, yes, but essential for growth.
So while it might feel empowering to draw thick, immovable lines in the sand labeled “My Boundaries,” Craney’s findings suggest that lasting love often lives in the wiggle room. The space where two people learn how to bend without breaking.
Which brings us back to the main idea: if you’re looking for someone who’ll go the distance with you, don’t just ask if they’re emotionally available or share your taste in Netflix documentaries.
Ask: Can they bend without snapping when life demands it?
Because, as both science and experience tell us, flexibility isn’t just useful in yoga class. It’s the quiet superpower that keeps relationships standing when everything else wobbles.
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So… Should You Be More Flexible?
The takeaway here isn’t to toss all your personal limits out the window. It’s to ask yourself—and your partner—not just how kind, attractive, or fun you both are, but whether you can adapt together when life doesn’t go to plan.
Flexibility isn’t flashy. It doesn’t look great on a dating app bio. It’s not something people brag about over brunch. But in the long haul? It may just be the glue that holds everything together.
So the next time you’re weighing someone’s “relationship potential,” forget the rom-com checklist for a second. Instead, ask: Can they roll with life’s punches—and can I do the same?
Because according to the experts, that’s the kind of trait that stands the test of time.
