Parenting doesn’t come with an expiration date. Sure, your kids may have grown up, moved out, and built lives of their own—but that doesn’t mean your words stop mattering. In fact, what you say to your adult children can carry even more weight than when they were younger. The dynamic shifts from a rule-based relationship to one built on respect, empathy, and mutual understanding.
And here’s the catch: a single sentence, even one said casually or with good intentions, can bruise a bond that’s taken decades to build.
If you’re trying to nurture a strong relationship with your grown child, here are 15 phrases that are better left unsaid—and what to say instead.
1. “Back in my day…”
It might seem harmless—a walk down memory lane, perhaps. But this phrase often comes across as dismissive. It sets the stage for a comparison between your past and their present, which isn’t always helpful. What worked for you decades ago might not apply today.
Instead of launching into “back in my day,” try starting with, “This reminds me of a time when…” It turns the moment into a story, not a lesson, and invites curiosity instead of resistance. Adult children are more likely to listen if they don’t feel like they’re being lectured.
2. “You’re too sensitive.”
This one stings—and not because it’s necessarily cruel, but because it tells your child that their emotions are a problem. When someone opens up about how they feel, dismissing them as “too sensitive” can make them retreat, shut down, or feel invalidated.
Instead, try: “I didn’t realize that upset you. Can we talk about it?” You don’t have to agree with every emotion, but acknowledging it shows maturity and care. Emotional intelligence in a parent-child relationship is key, no matter how old either of you are.
3. “You owe me for everything I did.”
Raising a child is not a favor—it’s a commitment. When love is brought up like a receipt waiting for repayment, it shifts the entire emotional landscape. Gratitude can’t be forced, and guilt is not the foundation for healthy closeness.
If you’re feeling underappreciated, it’s okay to voice that gently. You might say: “Sometimes I miss feeling more connected to you. Can we catch up more often?” Connection is always more effective than emotional accounting.
4. “I’m disappointed in you.”
Disappointment is a powerful word. It suggests that your child has failed not just to meet expectations—but to be the kind of person you hoped they’d become. This can deeply affect their self-esteem, especially if they’re already struggling.
Instead of this phrase, try exploring what’s behind your feelings: “I’m concerned about how things are going, and I’d love to understand more.” Conversations based on care, not condemnation, create the space for growth and reconciliation.
5. “That’s not a real job.”
Times have changed. The internet opened up careers that didn’t exist a generation ago—content creators, remote consultants, app developers, you name it. Just because a career doesn’t come with a cubicle or a time clock doesn’t mean it’s not legitimate.
Even if you’re unfamiliar with what your adult child does for a living, you can still show curiosity instead of criticism. Ask: “What do you enjoy about it?” or “Tell me more about what a typical day looks like.” Respecting their path builds a bridge of trust.
6. “You’re just like your father/mother.”
Unless it’s meant as a loving compliment, comparing your child to someone else—especially an ex-partner or someone with whom there’s tension—can feel like a subtle dig. It implies that their identity is not their own and may bring up old wounds.
Try this instead: “I’ve noticed you have a unique way of handling things.” Acknowledging their individuality goes a long way in helping them feel seen—not stereotyped.
Read more: You Were Raised By A Type C Mom If These 6 Subtle Acts of Love Still Stay With You
7. “Are you really going to eat that?”
Even small remarks about food or appearance can linger in the mind for years. What might seem like a casual comment about portion size or health could come across as judgmental, triggering insecurity or shame.
If you’re genuinely concerned about your child’s health, bring it up respectfully, and only if your relationship allows for it. Otherwise, silence is golden. Better yet, focus on sharing a meal, not scrutinizing it.
8. “You always do this.”
Absolutes like “always” and “never” are conversation killers. They trap your child in a pattern that might not even be true anymore. People grow. They change. And they want to be recognized for who they’ve become—not constantly reminded of old mistakes.
Try: “It seems like this has happened a few times—can we talk about why?” Focusing on patterns without labeling the person opens the door for meaningful dialogue.
9. “I don’t like your partner.”
Unless your child is in actual danger or the relationship is abusive, expressing dislike for their partner can backfire—fast. Most people will naturally defend someone they love, and instead of questioning the partner, they may start to pull away from you.
If you truly have concerns, approach them with care: “Can I ask how things are going with your partner? I just want to make sure you’re happy.” Tone and timing are everything.
10. “You’ll understand when you have kids.”
This one is layered. It assumes that your child will have children—and that they must in order to grasp certain emotional truths. But not everyone wants kids, and parenthood is not the only path to empathy or wisdom.
Instead of waiting for a future moment of understanding, try respecting where they are now: “I get that we see this differently, and that’s okay.” You don’t need shared life experience to share respect.
11. “Because I said so.”
This phrase belongs in the parenting handbook for toddlers—not adults. Grown children want to feel heard, not overruled. When you give no explanation, it sends the message that their thoughts don’t matter.
Try leading with transparency: “Here’s why I feel strongly about this—what’s your take?” It invites them into the conversation and gives them the dignity of being treated like an equal.
12. “You’re not doing it right.”
Whether they’re managing their finances, raising their own kids, or decorating their home, offering unsolicited advice can come off as controlling. It might seem like you’re helping, but it often feels like micromanagement.
Ask instead: “Want any suggestions?” If they say yes, you’ve been invited in. If not, let them find their own way. That’s how confidence grows.
13. “I gave up everything for you.”
While parenting certainly involves sacrifice, this kind of phrase can feel like emotional blackmail. It loads your child with guilt they never asked for and can make love feel conditional.
If you’re feeling regret or loss, be honest—but separate that from your child. Try: “Sometimes I wonder what life would’ve looked like if I’d made different choices, but I wouldn’t trade being your parent for anything.” Vulnerability builds connection, not pressure.
14. “When are you going to settle down?”
This question might come from a place of hope, but it can feel like judgment. Everyone has a different timeline. Some people never marry. Others build unconventional families. “Settling down” looks different for everyone.
Try asking about their actual goals: “What are you most excited about right now?” This opens up space for them to share what truly matters to them, not just what society expects.
15. “You turned out fine, so I must’ve done everything right.”
It might sound like a compliment to yourself—but it can make your child feel like their struggles are being overlooked. Every person has their own experience of childhood. Dismissing that can block the chance for real, healing conversations.
If your child brings up something painful from the past, respond with humility: “That must’ve been hard. I didn’t realize at the time.” Validation doesn’t erase history, but it helps mend it.
Read more: What ‘Gentle Parenting’ Really Does For Your Kids
In Closing: Words Matter, Especially Now
It’s easy to think that because your child is grown, they’re immune to hurt feelings—but that’s not true. In many ways, adult children are more aware, more introspective, and more sensitive to how words shape relationships.
Parenting adult children isn’t about control—it’s about connection. It’s not about being right—it’s about being respectful. The goal isn’t to correct them; it’s to understand them. By shifting your language, softening your tone, and listening more than you speak, you create a space where love can keep evolving.
Because let’s face it: you don’t stop being a parent. You just learn new ways to show up.
