Some people seem to be natural “feelers.” They can walk into a room and instantly sense the atmosphere. They notice the quiet coworker who seems down, they know when to offer comfort without overstepping, and they can navigate conflicts without making things worse. Others, however, often stumble through these same moments without realizing anything is off.
This difference often comes down to emotional intelligence, sometimes referred to as EQ (emotional quotient). Unlike IQ, which measures cognitive intelligence, EQ is about how well people recognize, manage, and respond to emotions—both their own and those of others.
Psychologists Dr. Jaime Zuckerman and Dr. Jenny Shields note that emotional intelligence isn’t always easy to spot at first glance. But there are recurring behaviors that tend to reveal when someone struggles in this area. Recognizing these signs doesn’t mean labeling people as “bad” or “broken.” Instead, it gives us a chance to understand how emotional blind spots affect relationships, communication, and even daily stress.
So, what does low emotional intelligence look like in everyday life? Let’s break down 10 behaviors that often signal a lack of EQ—and why they matter.
What Emotional Intelligence Really Means
At its core, emotional intelligence is the ability to be “smart about feelings.” Dr. Shields describes it as balancing two things: managing your own emotions while also being attuned to the emotions of others.
Experts generally divide EQ into four main areas:
- Self-Awareness – recognizing what you’re feeling and why.
- Self-Management – regulating emotional reactions rather than letting them control you.
- Social Awareness – noticing and understanding the emotions of others, often through non-verbal cues.
- Relationship Management – building positive interactions by combining all the above skills.
When these areas are underdeveloped, a person may struggle in ways that ripple through friendships, work environments, and family life.10 Behaviors That Signal Low Emotional Intelligence
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1. Getting Stressed Over Small Things
Imagine someone panicking because their boss asks for a minor revision on a report. Instead of seeing it as a simple adjustment, they spiral into catastrophic thinking—worrying they’ll lose their job or ruin their career.
This overreaction often stems from poor emotional regulation. People with low EQ tend to overestimate how long negative feelings will last and how bad they will be. What should feel like a small bump in the road becomes, in their minds, a dead end.
Not only does this make stress harder to manage, but it can also exhaust the people around them, who may feel like they constantly have to offer reassurance.
2. Avoiding Emotional Conversations
Many people dislike difficult conversations, but those with lower emotional intelligence avoid them at all costs. If a friend is hurt by their comment, they might change the subject instead of apologizing. If a partner wants to talk about a problem, they might shut down or walk away.
Why? Often, they don’t have the vocabulary to express how they feel. To them, emotions feel blurry—like trying to read a book with smudged glasses. If they can’t tell the difference between “disappointed,” “frustrated,” or “ashamed,” then discussing feelings feels threatening and confusing.
Over time, this avoidance leads to shallow relationships. Without open emotional exchange, bonds lack the depth that comes from vulnerability and trust.
3. Making Jokes at Other People’s Expense
A little teasing can be harmless when it’s playful and mutual. But when humor consistently comes at someone else’s expense, it may reveal low empathy.
For example, if a coworker mispronounces a word during a presentation, a low-EQ person might mock them, not realizing—or caring—that the person feels embarrassed.
This kind of humor suggests a lack of perspective-taking. Instead of imagining how the other person might feel, they focus only on the laugh. Over time, these “jokes” can erode trust and make others feel unsafe around them.
4. Being Oblivious to Others’ Feelings
Picture this: A friend is quietly devastated after a breakup, but another friend launches into a long story about their new relationship without noticing the pain across the table.
People with low EQ often miss these subtle cues—slumped shoulders, flat tones, forced smiles—that signal how others feel. They may be so focused on their own emotions or stories that they fail to read the room.
This isn’t always malicious. Sometimes, they genuinely can’t decode non-verbal communication. But the effect is the same: others may feel ignored, dismissed, or unseen.
5. Holding Long-Term Grudges
We’ve all felt hurt by someone before, but emotionally intelligent people usually find ways to reframe, forgive, or move on. Those with lower EQ, however, often replay the same grievance for years.
For example, if a coworker once failed to support them in a meeting, they may hold onto that anger long after the situation has lost its relevance. They stay stuck in their initial interpretation, unable to see new context or accept that people can change.
This rigidity doesn’t just strain relationships—it also drains energy. Carrying a grudge is like carrying a backpack full of bricks.
6. Blaming Others for Their Problems
When things go wrong, a low-EQ individual often points outward instead of inward. They’ll blame traffic for being late, their boss for missed deadlines, or “toxic” coworkers for conflict.
This pattern protects their self-image, but it prevents accountability. By avoiding responsibility, they miss opportunities to learn and grow.
It also frustrates those around them. Colleagues, friends, or partners may feel like they’re always walking on eggshells, waiting to be blamed for something outside their control.
7. Having Emotional Outbursts
From yelling during minor arguments to slamming doors over small frustrations, emotional outbursts are common signs of low EQ.
This happens because they lack emotional granularity—the ability to label and separate different emotions. Instead of recognizing, “I feel embarrassed,” or “I feel overwhelmed,” they lump everything together and react explosively.
While an outburst may provide temporary relief, it often damages trust and respect. Others may learn to avoid sharing their thoughts, fearing a volatile reaction.
8. Acting Insensitively Without Realizing It
Insensitive remarks often slip from people with low emotional intelligence. For instance, saying, “I never would have taken that job,” to someone who just accepted a new role.
To them, it’s just an opinion. But to the listener, it feels like criticism. This disconnect happens because they assume everyone sees the world the way they do, failing to recognize that perspectives differ.
This lack of awareness can chip away at relationships, leaving others feeling unappreciated or judged.
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9. Struggling With Feedback
Feedback—whether at work or in personal life—is an opportunity to grow. But for someone with low EQ, even gentle suggestions can feel like attacks.
Instead of pausing to consider the input, they may become defensive, deny responsibility, or retaliate. For example, if told they interrupted too much in a meeting, they might insist, “That’s just how I am,” rather than reflecting on how it affected others.
Over time, this resistance prevents personal and professional development.
10. Over-Talking and Under-Listening
Conversations are meant to be two-way, but low-EQ individuals often turn them into monologues. They may go on about their weekend without asking how yours was, or interrupt stories with their own experiences.
This signals a lack of listening skills and social awareness. It’s not always intentional—they may simply not realize they’re dominating the conversation. But it leaves others feeling undervalued and unheard.
Can Emotional Intelligence Be Improved?
Here’s the encouraging news: EQ isn’t set in stone. Unlike IQ, which tends to remain stable, emotional intelligence can grow with practice and intention. Psychologists recommend a few steps:
- Commit to Change – Improvement starts with willingness. Recognizing patterns and choosing to work on them, even when uncomfortable, is the first step.
- Expand Emotional Vocabulary – Instead of relying on broad terms like “angry” or “stressed,” practice identifying specific emotions. Pinpointing “frustrated,” “anxious,” or “overwhelmed” makes it easier to regulate feelings.
- Practice Active Listening – Make a habit of listening without planning your response. Reflect back what others say to show you understand.
- Seek Feedback – Ask trusted people how you come across emotionally. Their perspective may reveal blind spots.
- Consider Therapy – A professional can guide you in building empathy, self-awareness, and healthier coping mechanisms.
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Final Thoughts
Low emotional intelligence doesn’t mean someone is destined for poor relationships or constant misunderstandings. It simply means there’s room to grow. The behaviors listed above—stress overload, avoidance, outbursts, insensitivity—are not permanent traits. They’re patterns that can be reshaped.
By recognizing these signs in ourselves or others, we can approach interactions with more patience and understanding. And by working to strengthen emotional intelligence, we not only improve relationships with others—we also create a kinder, calmer relationship with ourselves.
In the end, emotional intelligence is less about being perfect and more about being present. And that’s a skill worth practicing.
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