We all know communication is important—but how often do we stop to think about how we’re actually communicating?
Psychologists agree that how we express ourselves can either build bridges or quietly burn them. Whether we’re chatting with friends, partners, coworkers, or even strangers, the words we choose—and the tone behind them—can make a big difference. Dr. Jan Miller, a licensed psychologist, puts it plainly: “Good communication is the foundation for relationships filled with trust and respect. Without it, things fall apart—fast.”
That said, most of us pick up some not-so-helpful habits along the way. We might toss out certain phrases without thinking, unaware that they can come off as dismissive, passive-aggressive, or even unintentionally hurtful.
So, what are the verbal red flags of weak communication? Below are 10 common phrases that psychologists say tend to backfire in everyday conversations—plus insights into what they reveal and how to reframe them.
1. “If you say so.”
This phrase often sounds like a subtle jab. While it might seem harmless, it usually carries an undertone of sarcasm or quiet disagreement.
What it really says: “I don’t agree, but I don’t want to explain why.”
This passive-aggressive response shuts down further conversation. Instead, try saying, “I see where you’re coming from, but I’m still not sure I agree. Can we talk about it?” That keeps the conversation open without sounding snarky.
2. “You always…” or “You never…”
These are classic conversation killers. Absolute words like always and never tend to paint the other person into a corner.
What it really does: It puts the other person on defense, even if your frustration is valid.
Instead, focus on specific moments. Say something like, “Lately, I’ve noticed this happening, and it makes me feel…” It opens the door to problem-solving instead of sparking a verbal tug-of-war.
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3. “Calm down.”
Ironically, telling someone to calm down rarely has a calming effect. In fact, it usually does the opposite.
What it signals: “Your feelings aren’t valid, and you’re making me uncomfortable.”
If someone’s upset, try acknowledging their emotions. A better alternative might be, “I can see this is really upsetting for you. Let’s talk it through.”
4. “Forget it.”
Often said with an eye-roll or heavy sigh, this phrase screams emotional shutdown.
What it does: Leaves the other person hanging—and feeling dismissed.
If you’re feeling too frustrated to continue a conversation, try, “I need a moment to gather my thoughts. Can we revisit this later?” That shows you care about resolving things without steamrolling your emotions.
5. “No offense, but…”
Spoiler alert: offense is probably coming.
What it implies: “I know this might hurt, but I’m saying it anyway—and I’m dodging accountability.”
Rather than dressing up criticism in fake politeness, try being more direct and respectful: “Can I share an observation? I mean it with care.” Framing matters.
6. “You’re being too sensitive.”
Telling someone they’re overreacting can feel like a gut punch, even if that’s not what you meant.
What it suggests: “Your emotional response is the problem—not what I said or did.”
Instead, consider saying, “That wasn’t my intention, but I can see how it affected you. Let’s talk about it.” It encourages open dialogue, not shame.
7. “I was just kidding.”
This phrase often pops up when a joke misses the mark—or lands a little too hard.
What it tries to do: Disguise a hurtful comment as humor and avoid responsibility.
If you said something that didn’t land well, own it. Say, “I realize that joke might’ve come off the wrong way. I didn’t mean to upset you.” A little accountability goes a long way in repairing trust.
8. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Sometimes, this is a genuine reaction. Other times, it’s a quick escape hatch.
What it may mean: “I don’t want to talk about this,” or, “I’m pretending to be clueless.”
If you really don’t understand, be specific: “I’m not following—can you help me understand what you mean?” That shows engagement instead of avoidance.
9. “You wouldn’t understand.”
This phrase might sound like a protective shield, but it actually creates distance.
What it does: Makes the other person feel excluded or unintelligent.
Even if someone may not totally get your experience, try saying, “It’s kind of complicated, but I’d be happy to explain if you’re open to it.” Connection thrives on inclusion.
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10. “I guess.”
This one’s vague and indecisive—two things that don’t help in decision-making or conflict resolution.
What it communicates: “I’m not really committed, and I don’t want to be.”
A more confident (but still friendly) version might be, “I’m okay with either option—what do you think?” That shows consideration without sounding disengaged.
Want to Get Better at Communicating? Here Are 3 Research-Backed Tips:
1. Listen to understand—not just to respond.
Psychologists call this active listening. Instead of mentally rehearsing your reply while the other person is still talking, focus fully on their words, tone, and body language.
“When you listen just to respond, you often miss the point—and that’s where miscommunication begins,” says Dr. Miller.
Try nodding, paraphrasing what they said, and asking clarifying questions to show you’re truly tuned in.
2. Pause before you speak.
A short pause—just two seconds—can be surprisingly powerful.
“It gives your brain time to catch up with your emotions,” explains Dr. Tom McDonagh.
Taking a breath before replying helps you choose your words with intention instead of reacting on impulse. It also calms your nervous system, which makes tough conversations a little easier.
3. Mind your tone and body language.
What you say is only part of the message—how you say it matters just as much.
“A kind message can be lost if your tone is sharp or your arms are crossed,” says Dr. Sanam Hafeez.
Facial expressions, gestures, and posture all play a role in how your message is received. Warm eye contact, relaxed shoulders, and a neutral tone can turn an awkward moment into a productive one.
Read more: Why You Should Never Have To Apologize For Being Single
Final Thought: Words Are Tools—Use Them Wisely
Communication isn’t about perfection—it’s about connection. Everyone slips up from time to time, but with a little more awareness and a few tweaks in how we phrase things, we can become better at expressing ourselves and understanding others.
So the next time you catch yourself about to say, “Forget it” or “You’re too sensitive,” pause, take a breath, and try a softer approach. You might be surprised by how much smoother your conversations become—and how much stronger your relationships grow because of it.
