If you’re a parent, you’ve probably found yourself muttering the same sentences on repeat—“Time to brush your teeth,” “Please clean up your toys,” “We’re leaving in five minutes.” Sometimes it feels like you’re talking into a void. And after repeating yourself for what feels like the hundredth time, frustration can bubble up. You raise your voice. They cry. You feel guilty. Rinse and repeat.
But according to experts who spend their days knee-deep in child behavior and brain development, there’s a better way to bridge the communication gap. And no, it doesn’t involve bribing them with snacks or buying a fancy parenting manual.
It might start with something as simple as: “Let’s do it together.”
Why Kids Don’t Always “Listen”—And Why It’s Not About Disrespect
Before diving into that magic phrase, it helps to understand a basic but often overlooked truth: not listening doesn’t equal defiance. A child ignoring a command isn’t always being rude or stubborn. In many cases, they’re just being… well, a child.
The part of the brain responsible for things like planning, remembering instructions, switching tasks, and impulse control is called the prefrontal cortex. Think of it as the brain’s executive assistant. It handles complex to-do lists and manages transitions. But in little kids? That “assistant” is basically still in training.
In fact, research shows that the prefrontal cortex is only about 25% developed by age 3, and it doesn’t fully mature until somewhere in your mid-twenties. That’s right—your teenager’s occasional forgetfulness or lack of follow-through? Still part of brain development.
So when you ask a toddler to “stop playing and put on your socks,” you’re not asking someone with adult-like reasoning skills. You’re asking a developing brain to pause an activity, process a request, and shift focus—all at once. That’s a big ask for a small human.
The Real Reasons Behind “Not Listening”
When kids don’t respond immediately, it usually boils down to one of three reasons:
- Dysregulation: They’re emotionally overwhelmed—too tired, too hungry, too overstimulated to function properly.
- Distraction: They’re deeply engaged in something, like building a block tower or pretending to be a fire-breathing dragon.
- Developmental delay: Their brain just isn’t mature enough yet to follow multistep directions on demand.
These aren’t signs of a rebellious spirit. They’re signs of growing brains that need guidance, not punishment.
Why It Feels So Personal for Parents
If you’ve ever felt a surge of anger when your child ignores you, you’re not alone. That reaction isn’t just about the socks on the floor—it’s about something deeper.
Sometimes, when our kids don’t listen, it triggers feelings rooted in our own pasts:
- “They don’t respect me.”
- “I must be doing something wrong.”
- “No one listens to me.”
These thoughts can hijack our nervous systems, especially if we were raised in homes where “not listening” was met with punishment or scolding. It touches an emotional nerve, making us feel disrespected or even rejected.
That’s why the first step in calming the chaos isn’t about fixing your child’s behavior—it’s about calming your own stress response.
The Grounding Ritual: A Simple Reset
When you feel that hot flush of frustration rising up, try this:
- Place your hand on your chest.
- Take a slow, deep breath.
- Say to yourself (either out loud or silently):
“I’m safe. I’m a good parent. My child’s brain is still growing.”
This tiny pause gives your nervous system a moment to regulate, helping you respond thoughtfully instead of reacting emotionally. It puts your logical brain back in charge, which is exactly where you want it to be when parenting gets hard.
Read more: What ‘Gentle Parenting’ Really Does For Your Kids
The Game-Changer Phrase: “Let’s Do It Together”
Now for the part that might just change your day: when your child starts spiraling, avoiding a task, or ignoring a repeated request, instead of insisting on immediate compliance, try saying:
“Let’s do it together.”
This phrase is more than just cooperative. It’s neurologically strategic.
Why it works:
- It invites connection. Instead of barking a command, you’re creating a bridge.
- It calms their brain. Connection activates regulation. A calm brain is more likely to focus and follow instructions.
- It reinforces teamwork. Children feel supported rather than controlled.
Try these variations:
- “Need help getting started?”
- “Let’s race to the bathroom!”
- “I’ll hand you your shoes while you put them on.”
- “Can we do the first part together, and then you finish?”
Parenting Tools That Actually Work (And Don’t Involve Bribes or Threats)
🧠 1. Enter Their World First
Before dragging your child out of their current activity and into yours, take a moment to meet them where they are. Even ten seconds of playful acknowledgment can make a difference.
- “Whoa, that spaceship is huge! Is it headed to Mars?”
- “Can your dinosaur help us brush teeth before bedtime?”
This brief moment of connection eases the transition. It signals safety, lowers resistance, and builds cooperation from a place of trust rather than control.
🗣️ 2. Keep Directions Short and Positive
Kids’ brains process information differently. Long explanations can feel overwhelming, especially in high-energy moments.
Stick to five words or fewer, and keep it positive:
- Instead of “Stop running before someone gets hurt!” try: “Walking feet, please.”
- Instead of “Don’t touch your sister’s toys!” say: “Hands stay to yourself.”
- Rather than “I’ve told you a hundred times to get ready!” go with: “Shoes on now.”
Short and simple = easier to process = better cooperation.
👀 3. Make It Visual
Kids—especially younger ones or those who are neurodivergent—often respond better to visual cues than verbal instructions.
- Use checklists with drawings or photos.
- Create a morning routine chart with step-by-step illustrations.
- Set a timer or hourglass so they can see how much time is left.
Why it works: Visual aids reduce overwhelm, eliminate the need for constant verbal reminders, and help kids become more independent.
The Brain-Based Bottom Line
If your child follows instructions just 25% of the time—and their prefrontal cortex is also only 25% developed—well, that math actually makes perfect sense.
It doesn’t mean you’re failing as a parent. It means you’re raising a human being, not a perfectly programmed robot.
Parenting becomes far more peaceful when you shift your expectations and work with your child’s brain instead of against it. The more you understand the science of child development, the less likely you are to take things personally—and the more confident you’ll feel in guiding them.
Read more: The One Parenting Habit That Is Silently Damaging Your Child
Final Thought: You’re Not Alone, and You’re Doing Better Than You Think
So the next time your child stares blankly at you instead of putting on their shoes, take a breath. Put your hand on your heart. Remember: their brain is still under construction, and so is yours.
Use connection as your compass. Choose curiosity over control. And when all else fails?
“Let’s do it together.”
It’s not just a phrase. It’s a parenting superpower.
