Nobody enters parenthood with a perfect manual, and mistakes are part of the journey. Still, some phrases from our childhood can stick around like ghost echoes, shaping the way we think about ourselves well into adulthood. According to psychologist Dr. Kibby McMahon, co-founder of the mental health platform KulaMind, certain statements may hint that a parent wasn’t quite prepared—emotionally, financially, or socially—to take on the job of raising children.
Below, we’ll explore nine common phrases that may have been uttered by parents who weren’t fully ready for the realities of parenting, what those words could really mean, and how they might still be influencing you today.
1. “You were a mistake.”
On the surface, this could be said lightly or with a laugh, especially if the pregnancy was unplanned but still welcomed. However, when this phrase is said with frustration or resentment, it sends a very different message.
It can imply that the child’s very existence was a problem—that they weren’t wanted. Even if said once, it can leave a deep impression, planting the seed of guilt or unworthiness.
2. “My life would have been so much better if I didn’t have you.”
This one tends to come out during emotional breakdowns or heated moments, often when a parent feels overwhelmed. But to a child, it’s devastating.
Even if a parent is just venting about what they’ve sacrificed—career goals, personal dreams, social life—the underlying message is clear: you ruined my life. That’s a heavy burden for any child to carry.
Read more: Avoid Saying These 15 Things To Your Adult Children
3. “Don’t do what I did—wait to have kids.”
This might seem like wise advice from someone who’s learned the hard way. But when said in a bitter tone, it often comes across as regret.
Rather than empowering children to make thoughtful life choices, it can send a message that parenting is a trap or a mistake, shaping how someone sees their own future, relationships, or ability to nurture.
4. “I didn’t sign up for this!”
This exclamation often pops up when life gets tough—tantrums, bills, sleepless nights. But it can also be a red flag that the parent was unprepared or unwilling for what parenting truly involves.
Sometimes it means they’re emotionally checked out. Sometimes it means they didn’t want children in the first place but went along with it anyway. Either way, it signals a disconnect between the parent and the responsibility of raising a child.
5. “We had you because your mom/dad wanted to.”
This phrase usually comes out during arguments or storytelling sessions. But its implications run deep.
It can leave a child feeling like they were the product of a compromise—or worse, a reluctant decision. It may also create an imbalance in how children see their parents, feeling more bonded to one while feeling emotionally abandoned by the other.
6. “What about how hard this is for me?!”
When a parent centers the conversation on their own struggles—especially in response to a child’s distress—it’s a sign they may not have developed the emotional capacity to prioritize their child’s needs.
This kind of reaction, often linked to emotional immaturity or narcissism, can teach children that their emotions are a nuisance or an inconvenience. Over time, they may learn to suppress their needs altogether.
Read more: The One Parenting Habit That Is Silently Damaging Your Child
7. “I can’t deal with this.”
Said in moments of chaos—maybe during a sibling fight or a public meltdown—this phrase suggests that the parent is overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to cope.
Children are especially sensitive to these responses. If they hear this regularly, they may internalize the belief that their emotions, needs, or behavior are too much—leading them to become overly self-reliant or emotionally closed off.
8. “Why are you like this?!”
Every parent gets frustrated, but this phrase carries a tone of blame and judgment. It’s often used when children cry, misbehave, or don’t follow directions—things that are completely normal for their age and development.
Instead of understanding that kids are learning and growing, this phrase turns frustration into criticism, making the child feel defective or inherently wrong.
9. “Having kids was really lonely.”
This subtle statement often reveals more than it intends. While many parents feel isolated during the early years, especially without a strong support system, saying this out loud to a child can make them feel responsible for their parent’s unhappiness.
It implies a sense of loss or disconnection that the child had no control over, which can trigger feelings of guilt or emotional burden that last into adulthood.
How These Phrases Might Show Up in Adulthood
Hearing phrases like these doesn’t just sting in the moment—they can shape a person’s identity, relationships, and emotional well-being later in life.
One common result is something called “parentification.” This happens when children are pushed to take on adult roles—becoming the emotional support system, caretaker, or “fixer” for the family before they’re ready. As adults, these individuals may be overly responsible, people-pleasing, or anxious, always feeling the need to manage everything.
Others may develop a deep sense of shame, believing their needs are a burden. This often shows up as difficulty asking for help, setting boundaries, or even trusting others.
Relationships with parents can also become complicated—ranging from estrangement and resentment to intense attachment fueled by guilt. It’s tough to navigate bonds that were shaped by emotional immaturity or unmet needs.
So… What Now?
Realizing that your parents might not have been fully equipped to raise you can bring up a whirlwind of emotions—sadness, anger, or even relief. But Dr. McMahon stresses the importance of balancing compassion for yourself with understanding for your parents.
No parent is ever 100% ready. Most are just doing the best they can with what they have. But if you grew up with parents who made hurtful comments or struggled to meet your needs, it’s okay to acknowledge that. It’s also okay to set boundaries, process the pain, and work toward healing.
Self-awareness is the first step. From there, you can begin to untangle the effects those early words had on you, and slowly rewrite the story you tell yourself about who you are—and what you’re worth.
Read more: What ‘Gentle Parenting’ Really Does For Your Kids
Final Thought
If any of these phrases sound familiar, you’re not alone. And you’re not broken. You’re simply someone who grew up in a household that may have been emotionally unequipped for the depth of parenting.
Acknowledging this doesn’t mean blaming your parents—it means freeing yourself to grow beyond the limitations that were placed on you. And in doing so, you become more equipped to break the cycle for future generations.
